Congratulations! You have vaginismus.
// Photo: April, 2019. Long Island, NY. Real strangers we became real friends with through this 2-week journey. //
To all my vag sisters —
Whether self diagnosed or doctor referred, CONGRATULATIONS on the profound discovery of your vaginismus. Your life is about to be changed. Forever.
I know, I know…
“My life has already been changed. Forever and for worse,” is probably going through your mind right now. You’re thinking, “Who are you, dear writer, to tell me congratulations? I live my life in day-to-day pain and embarrassment. You have NO idea, stranger, what I go through.” Does that sound about right?
Well, friend — my name is Brittain and I’m a survivor of vaginismus. And you are about to be too.
Without going into much of my story here (I’ll save that for another post) let me tell you, that little did I know, that the first — and only — attempt with tampons during my teenage days would be the beginning of a long, long [unknown] journey through life and womanhood.
// Photo: April, 2019. Long Island, NY. Just six days before my three-year marriage would be consummated. //
“I’m in pain. I’m depressed. I cry myself to sleep at night. My husband and I hardly kiss anymore. I can’t use tampons. I’m traumatized by the shear thought of even going within 5 miles of a gyno or pelvic floor physical therapist. You mention the word ‘counselor’ to me and I shut down for the day, closing myself off to the world… Nobody knows of my condition, except the doctors who can’t help me or the books that’ve made their attempt to. All my friends are having babies and I can’t get excited for them.” Does this sound like you? Well then let me say it again - CONGRATULATIONS! Your life is about to be changed. Forever. And for better.
You’re about to enter one of the most scary, fearful, best, most rewarding experiences of your lifetime! Sound oxymoronic? Ha. I am sometimes. Like the time I was describing how ‘blazing cold’ the weather was. (Forehead slap). My friends call it, ‘speaking Kovacian’. They’re yet to become fluent in it. :)
Anyways, back to the topic at hand — your vagina.
First off, congratulations on discovering this oft sought after word for this more often secretive condition you’re suffering through. Many women from all corners of this wonderful world are suffering too. And unfortunately, too many doctors are completely clueless on what it is and even worse, mistreating it. So yes, if you have uncovered the mystery word, CONGRATULATIONS!
Next — and bare with me here — congratulations on your condition. (Breathe for a minute before you attempt to gut punch me through your screen…) In, two, three. Out, two three. In, two, three. Out, two three… Are you good? Okay… So, as a former sufferer, I mean this with all my heart. This may quite frankly be one of the WORST and most certainly one of the BEST blessings of your life. You must have faith and trust me (and not just me, but all those who have been cured) on this.
It is because of your condition that you will come to know yourself, your body and the unlimited strength and potential that you have within you, that right now, you don’t believe you possess. I know you don’t believe me. You think I’m strong and you’re weak — that you’re the only one who can’t be cured, but I promise you — yes, I promise — you do have the strength within and you can be cured! Congratulations.
Congratulations, you’re about to make a new friend. Or a few. Vaginismus is going to teach you so much more about womanhood, life, relationships, friendships, faith, trust, hope and strength than you could have ever learned without it. You’re about to connect with and make some of the best friends life will bring you. There’s something special and oh so rewarding about going through the same pain and suffering, failed treatments and shared successes with other women who have walked in your shoes. There’s an instant bond. An unspoken understanding. A lasting love and lifetime friendship that comes with this. So, open up your arms. You’re about to give and receive a whole lot of love.
// April, 2019. Campfire with our new vag friends. //
Going to sleep at night is about to get a lot more fun. Goodbye stress, anxiety, fear, fights and tears. Hello joy. Hello laughter. Hello husband. (This one’s for the guys. They should get a congratulations too!)
Here’s a tough one, so suck it up and move on…
You’re not right and the doctors will prove it to you. You’re stubborn and so are they. You say you can’t. They say you can. You say you won’t. They say you will. And it’s their way or…their way.
““We don’t negotiate with anxiety.””
Yeah, we all thought we would be THAT one who couldn’t be fixed. That these ‘special angel doctors’ who’ve cured thousands of women before us wouldn’t be able to ‘cure me’. That there’s something wrong with our vagina that’s different from everyone else’s. But what choice did we have? We’ve gone through all the options — all the (wrong) doctors all the (wrong) treatments. This is our last resort — to pay a LOT of money, hope for a cure, but believe that we’ll be THE ONE who can’t be fixed. Well, congratulations — you’re wrong again! Don’t believe me? That’s okay. Just ask any one of the bazillion patients who HAVE been cured if they felt this way too. Heck, just read the hundreds of thank you cards or watch the videos and you’ll learn that we were all wrong too.
Congratulations! You were born with a condition that DOES have a cure and an even bigger congratulations that you have found your angels. You’re seeking the right help, the right cure. You’ve found the place with the right doctors. Doctors who will NOT let you fail. Failure is not an option in their office. It’s just not.
““You have a choice. You can choose team anxiety or team cure.””
Dr. Katz, Ross and Lauren are the miracle women of the Women’s Therapy Center (WTC) in Plainview, NY. In their combned 80+ years of medical work, they’ve cured more women than you could even imagine have vaginismus (I’m # 1,624)! They are the most caring, beautiful, kind (and tough) doctors I have ever encountered. Their greatest joy is seeing the transformation that happens when a frightened patient with vaginismus becomes a confident woman, believing that she can overcome. I am eternally grateful that the Lord led me to them. There really is no thanks great enough! (That’s my new Croatian friend in the red skirt below. :) She too was cured.
// Dr. Katz, new friend, Dr. Ross, Dr. Lauren //
Beyond the cure is the confidence you will gain, as though you are ready to conquer the world! Heck, making it through treatment basically guarantees you’re halfway through that conquer ;). You will strut around with a newfound understanding of what it feels like to be a whole woman — a feeling you never knew you were missing.
Looking back at my teenage self, as weird as this may sound, I wish someone would have gifted me this treatment. My 34-year old self would understand. Treatment is so much more than a cure. It’s a lifetime of lessons all wrapped up in a 2-week bow.
Tampons? Bring ‘em on! (I can’t wait for my next period so I can brag to myself about how awesome they are!) Pap smear, no problem. I’ve got a gyno scheduled for 6 weeks from now (with the same doctor who couldn’t dare touch me with a Q-tip a few months ago.) How shocked will he be?! Vaginal ultrasound…I’m sure that won’t be the most thrilling part about pregnancy, but hey, it doesn’t freak me into the next galaxy to think about anymore.
[PAP UPDATE: SUCCESS!!!! Easy peasy, like, “Whaaa?? It’s over?? You already stuck that big, cold, metal thing in me and now you’re done, doc??” I KNOW! Neither of us could believe it! My doctor immediately went to the lobby to express his excitement and congrats to my husband then returned to his computer to reference again the letter my NY docs had sent him about my successful treatment. He was in shock and became an instant believer in what they (the NY docs) do- as he recalled months prior he couldn’t enter the room with a Q-tip in hand without me breaking into an emotional ball of tears!]
The lessons learned and experiences gained while at WTC, though costly in the beginning, will prove to be priceless in the end — for anyone. (That’s another promise.)
During my two weeks at the treatment center, I witnessed five miracles, mine included. All marriages ranging from 18 months to 10 years…10 years! None of which had been consummated. In this short time that we shared together, we were all cured. We met as strangers, shared intimate stories, happy tears and sad, basked in each other’s successes and celebrated our marriages. Now is your chance to witness a miracle — your own. Congratulations. Your life is about to be forever changed.
Yours in prayer,
